Nerdicus NES Review #157: Dash Galaxy in the Alien Asylum

Title : Dash Galaxy in the Alien Asylum

Publisher : Data East

Developer : Beam Software

Genre : Action / Puzzle

Players :  1 Player

Release Date : 1990

Estimated Value (as of today's date): $4-$6

Wow, check out this guy. DASH GALAXY.....can't get much campier than that. I have a real issue with that 1950's super hero look. They just don't look super-hero-ey. Instead they look like pompous asses. And why do their outfits always look like old-school fighter pilots mixed in with a few space ace decals. 

And tell me if I'm wrong, but this guy really just looks like a human version of Bucky O'Hare. But Bucky O'Hare was absolutely awesome. AGH! I just wanna rip those goggles off his smug face and mess up his perfectly wavey blonde hair! YOU SIR, ARE NOT A SUPER HERO! In fact, I think he's the villain in all this, and those poor aliens are actually SEEKING Asylum as the title of this game states. Bah!

The spaceship on the cover also reminds me of the one from Galaxy Quest. Oh yes, one of the greatest films ever made. Don't mock me, it's one of my guilty pleasure flicks. Although, after seeing this costume, and hearing the name Dash, I'm thinking of one thing right now....and who can think of what that is...I'll give you one hint.

DASH!!!!!!!!!! OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's all you're getting. If you can't figure it out, that's your problem. 

So, let's get this Friday review going and see how DASH GALAXY holds up to the rest of the eight billion other action / puzzle / platformer games out there for the NES. Hopefully this game pulls out all the stops and tries to be as campy and goofy as some of those old 1950s hero flicks, but I can tell you this much, I don't have high hopes going in.

Well, it turns out our hero, Dash Galaxy, has been captured by an alien army. You know, the only reason he was captured was because he tried to destroy their civilized society. Anyway, he needs to traverse through a whopping 24 levels that are split up between a side-scrolling cluster of mish-mashed action (if you can call it that), and a top down puzzle screen of blinking lights, blocks, and doors. Ugh, it's giving me a headache just thinking back to playing this garbage.

Let's talk about the first sort of levels. The top down puzzle rooms. You'll be in these a lot as these are your transportation hubs to the side scrolling levels. In these rooms, you'll have to guide dash to different doors which lead to the sub-levels, but in order to get to these doors, you'll need to de-activate barriers, move giant blocks, and avoid pitfalls. If it sounds boring, it is, because it's not even challenging, it's tedious.

It's like bomberman, without the bombs.

Once you trudge your way through these boring as hell top down stages, you'll find yourself in the platforming sections. Now here is where the game is supposed to become entertaining, right? RIGHT!!? RIIIIIIGHHHHTTT!? Well, wrong. The game gets worse. On these so-called side-scrolling levels, you'll be controlling Dash, who at this point should now be called sludge mcgee, because he moves as if he's trapped in quick sand.

Picture yourself jumping on a trampoline. You jump pretty quickly, am I right? Up and down, with the force of gravity pushing you down. Well, I'm going to assume that this game is slow as balls because these side-scrolling levels are affected by some sort of anti-gravity field, because Dash just floats a long and runs as if that's the case. This is seriously one of the slowest moving games I have ever played.

The goal of these levels, if you have the patience to even accomplish it, is to just push four switches, and go BACK to the door you came in, just so you can go back to the top down puzzle room.

You'll do this, over and over and over again 24 times.........shoot me now.

Saying this game is bad, is an understatement. It's terrible. In fact, it's up there for one of the worst NES games I have ever played.

First of all, it's a visual mess. The graphics look like they've been ripped from the Atari, and the side scrolling levels look like they were created in five minutes time. At least the top-down puzzle rooms attempt to use some form of perspective display, but it's still disgusting. And why is Dash so damn thin. I can barely make him out against the background. He doesn't seem like much of a super hero. He looks more like Lester the Unlikely.

Ah the music. You know what this sounds like? You know that repetitive nonsense you heard in the BACK TO THE FUTURE GAME? Yeah, it's the same damn thing. I've already stabbed my ears.

Want my advice? Avoid this game like the plague. Unless you like the plague. Then by all means have at it.

Final Score (out of 5) :

 

Until Next time - Keep on Gaming!